jan in between

What does it mean to be a good person?

There’s a saying in Filipino, nagbubuhat ng sariling bangko — literally, carrying your own bench, or in a way, putting yourself on a pedestal. It’s what comes to mind whenever I try to say something good about myself.

So, I’ll just say this: I’ve had a few people tell me that I’m a good person. And honestly, I like hearing it. Who wouldn’t?

But sometimes, I wonder if they really know me.

Is it because of my personality? Because I’m an introvert? Because I tend to keep my thoughts to myself, avoid unnecessary conflict, and let things pass? Maybe what people see as kindness is sometimes just my way of keeping the peace.

I’d like to think I’m a good person, but I know I can be mean, too. Or maybe I’m just an overthinker. Sometimes, before I can even say something hurtful, I’ve already played the entire conversation in my head — what I could say, what the other person might say back, and where it could all lead.

And most of the time, I decide it isn’t worth it.

I remember an incident at work when unnecessary words were thrown at me in front of a patient. I could have retaliated. I could have explained myself right there and then. I had every reason to feel upset, but my mind was already racing ahead, imagining the argument that might follow.

So I kept quiet.

Meanwhile, the incident was being talked about within the other person’s group. Eventually, someone from that group approached me. She was level-headed, someone I respected, and she encouraged me to report what happened. She told me that I should speak up for myself, especially since it wasn’t the first time this person had behaved that way.

So I did. I never confronted that person about the report afterward. We continued working together, as we had to. The next day, my manager approached me and told me she had read the report. She said it was good that I had reported the incident.

And somehow, I felt bad. Why couldn’t I have just let it go? I kept thinking about it, even though I knew I had a reason to speak up. The next time we worked together, the other person was perfectly chill with me. We carried on as if nothing had happened.

But something had changed on my end. I stayed professional and did what I could to avoid asking that person for help whenever we were assigned to work together. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t ideal, either. In a workplace where we depend on one another, I knew it shouldn’t have to be that way.

If I were a good person, wouldn’t I have been able to let it go? Wouldn’t I have been able to move on without keeping my distance? Or was I simply protecting myself from another uncomfortable situation?

I don’t know. Maybe I have mistaken being easygoing for being kind. I also know that being a good person doesn’t mean never having an unkind thought, or never getting angry.

So am I a good person? It’s something I keep answering through the choices I make.